Parenting teens in the new normal: Help them in these tough times

Few weeks back, a couple reached out to parenting expert Dr. Debmita Dutta, all worried and disappointed. Their concern was their14-year-old son’s preoccupation with online games. Before the pandemic hit, this teenager was a proud member of his school athletics team. But the COVID-19 lockdown, which shut the schools down, put a brake on the pursuit of his passion. For him, the magnitude of this loss was huge. He needed an alternative space to prove himself and rebuild his lost self-esteem. So, he took refuge in online games. This 14-year-old isn’t the only one bearing the psychological burden of confinement.  

A year without school and face-to-face interaction with friends and teachers has taken a toll on the mental health of kids in all age brackets. But teenagers are the worse affected by this home-bound life, given their dynamic socio-emotional needs. In a conversation with HT School, Dr. Dutta, founder of What Parents Ask and author of books like 55 Parenting Tips For Every Age and Every Stage and How To Talk to Your Child About Financial Issues, sheds light on how parents can help their adolescents thrive during these tough times.  

Do you think teenagers are more affected by lockdown, considering the hormonal changes that occur during puberty?  
Well, kids of all age bracket have been affected by the lockdown. However, it has been incredibly stressful for teens. Firstly, social distancing mandated by the pandemic has given adolescents a very tough time because they are programmed by nature to move out of their parent’s cocoon and find a place among their peers.  Secondly, confinement has taken a toll on their self-esteem. The sense of honour dawns on us during our teen years and adolescents build on it by going out there and showcasing their achievements. Now, this has been disrupted.  

Adolescents have a greater necessity for independence and alone time. What should parents do to ensure that their youngsters have enough space during this phase at home?  
Teens are most afraid of being judged for their interactions with peers. The friends they have, the topics they discuss, the language they use, everything is under scrutiny. In order to create a safe and comfortable zone for their teenagers at home, parents need to be a little less judgmental and critical, allow them to be themselves. Know your kids for who they are. This will give you the opportunity to guide them at every step.   

Teenagers love to spend more time with peers than their parents. Social distancing measures have disrupted this. How can parents help fill this void?  
Teenagers look for two things in their relationships with peers: Connection and excitement. As parents, you can provide both by being a little friendly with them.  Connect with your teenager several times a day with a pat while passing by, a hug when they allow it and a smiling eye contact when they don’t. Also, taking interest in what they like will help. 

Adolescents experience more intense emotions with greater volatility. Has restricted movement made them more aggressive?  
Being confined at a time when they are programed to explore has made teens more aggressive. Pent-up energy is also taking their focus away from academics, making parents anxious. They, in turn, are lashing out at the kids. All of these, combined together, is creating a negative environment for teenagers, leading not only to aggression, but also depression and dejection. Try and speak to your youngsters in a calm and encouraging manner even when you are angry. The best way to do so is to take some time before reacting. Try to make a serious situation with a dash of humour, if possible.  

With adolescents staying home all-day long, it’s not possible for parents to follow the pre-pandemic guidelines on screen-time. How much leeway should they be given? 
Take this as a golden opportunity to teach teens about balance. Divide the day into 5 Cs: Classes, connection, creativity, chores and cardio. While classes must be attended for as long as they last, at least an hour of connection time with friends is essential. This can be done through chats, calling, or playing online. Also, encourage your child to spend an hour a day at least to pursue a passion. Signing up for short, online courses on music, any form of sport or art, a new-age skill and extracurricular activity can be a good idea.  

Dedicate some everyday chores to your teens. They will be happy to help. Carrying out chores together can be a good bonding time too. Lastly, and most importantly, insist on cardio workouts every day. If the day is divided like this, your teen is likely to have the best balance of the online and offline world. However, make sure teenagers are not overscheduled. They must get enough sleep to remain calm and productive.