Sibling Rivalry: How can you help kids resolve it?

Siblings can get along one minute and be crying and fighting in the next, without preamble, and it happens all the time. Infighting amongst children is very common and siblings often develop a sense of competition with each other. It is almost guaranteed that sibling rivalry will happen, especially if the children are nearer in age. This rivalry may take a more physical form when they are younger, where they get into tussles and screaming matches, and a more subtle form as they grow older, when they begin competing with each other in academics and other fields. 

Why does it happen? 
In simple terms, the main cause of strife between children is the attention they get from parents. If one child feels left behind, they take out these frustrations by misbehaving, refusing to share, name-calling, etc. While sibling rivalries can have many positive impacts as they grow and mature and compete in healthier ways, it is important to make sure that rivalries don’t birth deep-rooted insecurities in the children. 

How can parents mitigate sibling rivalry? 
While there is no way to entirely avoid competition amongst children, it is possible to ensure that this is all a result of ‘play fighting’ and expressing love instead of festering insecurities. A lot of that effort is to be made on the parents’ side. Here are some tips on how you can do that from the early stages: 

Don’t label them: Drawing comparisons between your children by intentionally or unintentionally categorizing them as, say, the athletic one or the smart one will make them internalise these comparisons as a defining character trait. They may start thinking, “If my sibling is the smart one, then I must be dumb.” This will only fuel their rivalry and dislike for each other. 

Give them attention: Spend time with your children, especially individually. When you are with them individually, make sure your activities are what the child wants to do, be it a re-enactment of their favourite fight scene or a tea party, and they feel your undivided attention on them. When children don’t get positive attention from parents, they settle for any kind of attention which lead them to act out. 

Communication is important: Encourage them to share how they feel, whether what they are feeling is positive or negative, in a well-tempered manner. They may not be ready to talk while they are at the height of their emotions, but once the dust has settled, have them use their words to express their angers or issues. Teach them to say no politely if they don’t wish to share toys and ask for permission when touching and using things that aren’t theirs. 

Know when to intervene: Not all squabbles need parental intervention. Pick your battles when you think they pose immediate physical harm to each other, or when situations seem to be escalating in the wrong direction. And on a lot of occasions, you would be surprised how quickly children can resolve conflicts by themselves. 

Refrain from picking sides: If the conflict stems from bull-headedness on both parties’ sides, then it is fair to reprimand them collectively. They may even negotiate with consequences as a team when they are put in the same boat. Even when there is a clear perpetrator of the fight, make sure that you aren’t disregarding the other child’s feelings and thoughts. Neutrality is more effective than favouritism in mitigating sibling rivalry. 

When sibling rivalry fosters negativity in children as they grow up, it can have an impact on their self-esteem and notions of self-worth, and even cause estranged relations between the siblings as they grow older. Thus, it is vital that these rivalries are managed in healthy and uplifting ways.